23
At the time of posting this, I’ve turned 23. This is supposed to be the age where I “have my shit together”, and be a “functional” member of society. I don’t know if that’s the case for me - by societal standards, I have done both, but to me, it does not feel like the case. I’ve rewritten this post 4 times already, trying to describe the past year. This is the 5th attempt, and I think I’m in the right headspace to write this time.
This year has been… turbulent, with me starting off being 22 by going through the worst mental breakdown I’ve had in my life (so far), for the worst reason: I was single. Yes, embarrassing, but it wasn’t fun. Everyday I would wake up, enjoy about 15 seconds of bliss, and then everything immediately came crashing back down, and you get that hole in your head. That’s how I’ve come to understand depression, a black hole inside your mind: It doesn’t do anything on its own, but it sucks in everything that gets near, leaving you with nothing, not even thoughts.
Like that, I churned through the last year of school, working on my game project (Which turned out nicely.), and finally getting to study philosophy, the only thing in academia that I enjoyed. It was a great experience - I did all the reading, went to every class, and discussed with the professor, who was very nice. I do regret not doing the bonus presentation for my A+, but I was far too depressed to speak in front of people. It does make me wish I took a different major, but I knew what I was signing up for. I didn’t grow up poor, but I am very aware that I am not rich enough to throw money at the Arts, despite what my mom tells me.
After all that (and a short trip to Japan), I was for the first time in my life: Free. No homework, no courses, no work. Every day was one where I had complete control. I then spent my time on playing video games, and editing more videos. It was a very simple time, where I could just live in the moment, and… exist. Do what I like, and focus all of my attention on it. I had only one thing to look forward to: Vancouver.
Vancouver, to me, was the culmination of the past 5 years of my life - A chance to meet my closest friends in real life, and just… hang out. And that’s exactly what I got. I visited 0 tourist spots other than the aquarium, where my friend immediately fed me an edible upon arrival (Thanks Selene!) and I spent 3 hours unable to form coherent sentences and trying to not pass out. It was a great experience, not fun for me, but VERY funny for my friends, and myself now, looking back at it.
I got to live the dream of being an unemployed loser with my friends, sitting around all day, going to the mall, eating junk food (I miss you, Tim Hortons.), getting high and drunk. I flew 10000 kilometers for it, and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat. Taking that photo in front of the Airbnb is genuinely the greatest moment of my life, and I cannot be happier for the trip.
Good things don’t last forever, so it was time for me to go home, and face reality - I am a fresh graduate, with a degree in tech, with not enough money to start life overseas. I have no choice but to get a job.
Every day I clock in to the same things - fluorescent lights, ugly carpet, a cramped desk that is too low, with the occasional whiff of the HR lady’s awful perfume. I do the exact same thing every day - NOTHING, 4 hours of work, if I’m lucky. My life is genuinely being thrown away for money, and not a lot of money at that, all because I played her psychoanalysis games too well.
I don’t hate work, in fact, I would love it if I have more, but doing this little, rotting in my chair 9 hours a day, with an hour-long commute, is completely unsustainable. I am ripped away from everything in life, from things I am truly passionate about, from my friends, from my family (My grandmother’s dementia has gotten much worse since I started work, as I spend much less time with her.), and from myself. I don’t feel like I can even exist now.
If nothing at work improves (It won’t), I will quit my job around August, take a break, and look for better options. Remote jobs only going forward, or I’ll leave Hong Kong, which is very risky, and I don’t know if I have the skills to do it. Would love to get some guidance for this.
With such little time outside of work, not much has happened. I graduated, which was an odd experience - my friends and family seem so happy about it, but I don’t get the excitement, it’s not something I worked that hard for, but I am grateful that I had people to celebrate with.
I’ve also started a few projects online, making videos, working on aimmag, this blog, among other things. The feedback has been great. I’ve been told what I do is original, authentic, and important. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’m very happy to hear such comments. I love doing what I do online, and I’d love to keep doing it, even if I don’t make any money from it. This blog, too, has been a great way for me to pass the time, and to express myself. It's been good for my mental health, letting me reflect and process my thoughts, speaking of which:.
I’ve spent the last quarter of my life in my head, alone. COVID and past trauma gave me all sorts of issues with socializing, unable to trust my friends, and unable to express myself - I failed creative writing for 3 years straight in school, never understanding why. And this year has been one where I feel like I have finally gotten past all that. I now believe myself to have finally found great friends, online and offline that I can be completely honest and vulnerable to.
I still wouldn’t consider myself happy, I still feel alone sometimes, but I believe I’m in the best headspace I’ve been in for years. I feel that I am ready to move forward, and leave my past behind, so for year 23, I want one thing, and that’s “growth”.
I want growth for my videos, my stream, and most importantly, myself as a person. I want to experience new things, talk to more people, and do more cool things. Inevitably it won’t always be fun, if there’s one thing I’ve learnt in the past 5 years, it is that life always sucks. It never sucks too hard, and sometimes you get lucky - it’s a gamble, where a win makes all the losses seem like nothing. Life also never sucks in the same way, it’s very creative, just when you think you’ve seen everything, it finds new ways to suck that you didn’t know were possible.
But no matter how much it sucks, I know I have the help that I need to face it.
Thank you all for making the past year better.
“dude. thanking the Lord for this wonderful life. Sometimes you see a sunset. Lifetime of pain. But the sunset is so beautiful. Cheers” - Hussy
Written 20.01.2024
P.S. A particular thank you to [REDACTED], for making work a lot more bearable, you know who you are.