25
At the time of writing, I am 25 years old. While it's not that big of a number (in the grand scheme of things, at least), I do know I'm not very young anymore - even if I don't feel old myself. This past year has been an interesting one, a year full of reflection, new experiences, and much needed reminders that I am far luckier than I imagined.
The first half of the year was... relatively boring, it was mostly just me getting increasingly frustrated at work, dealing with the incompetence all too common in software engineering, I found myself getting angrier every time I clock in, irritated before I even sit down in my chair, it was horrible - looking back at some of my own tweets and posts during that time [1] it was shocking that I even allowed myself to feel like that for so long. Working alone on site, with not even coworkers to talk to, trying to deliver a project all on my own.
In the midst of it all, I tried writing a blog post reflecting on it, but even when I wrote it I was never fully convinced with what I wrote, my (almost sadistic at times) dislike of the "idiot at work" was poorly veiled, and the conclusion that "If I kept trying, I won't be as useless as this idiot!" is not a convincing one: it's far easier to say something along those lines than to actually do it, while I'm certainly going to try, there are never guarantees and to assume otherwise is nothing but arrogance.
Regardless, not only did I manage to deliver the project on time, it was also (relatively) bug-free, my boss was probably sorry about the whole ordeal, and gave me both a promotion and a massive bonus immediately following the production rollout. But, at this point I was so incredibly burnt out from work that I still decided to quit, counting down the days until I resign. Writing your own resignation is a surreal experience - the letter itself can't be easier to write, just simply letting them know when your last day is, and maybe some corporate platitudes if you are feeling generous. Yet I felt an new, unfamiliar uncertainty in every word I typed out.
I was reminded of my teenage years, where I was to choose my own subjects for grades 10 to 12, I was fully aware that my decision will affect what majors I can take at university, and in turn, what career I was going to have, a life-changing decision, and yet it took me minutes to decide on my future, choosing a frankly, insane combination of subjects: calculus, statistics, economics, computer science, and world history. [2] The adults around me, concerned for my future, rightfully questioned my choices, but I felt no difficulty in telling them "This is what I want".
In contrast, it's far easier to quit my job - my friends and family agreed that, for my sake, I probably should quit, and I know that I am more than justified to quit, yet I still felt something in the back of my mind asking "is this really the right thing to do though?", "is this the responsible thing to do as a son?", "is this the optimal move for my career?". That "correct" and "optimal" path through life is like a ghost, haunting and alienating me, as myself, from myself, as "son", "careerist", "mature person", and so on.
These are valid concerns, no doubt, and yet it's the "validity" of them that I hate. As someone well into my twenties, I have far more freedom than I used to have as a student - I can go back to school tomorrow for a philosophy undergrad tomorrow if I really wanted to. [3] Compared to being a student where the "next thing" is always clearly defined: the next exam, the next semester, the next programming language to pick up, the same freedom to do anything is at the same time daunting, and I hate how intimidating it feels, it's the "rationality" that you have as an adult that keeps you away from just doing things, to know that "you know better".
But before I really had the time to confront these thoughts during my unemployment - preferably during long walks near the sea in the mornings, work deemed me important enough to keep around, and gave me a very good counter-offer: an almost 20% raise, along with some promises that I won't have a 2-hour commute every day. I accepted the offer, since it was far more generous than I imagined, in total I now make 30% more than I did at the start of the year, and being put on a new project where I actually get to work with others makes work much better than before.
A few weeks after accepting the counter-offer, I went on a trip with my friends, spending a week in Jeju, a beautiful island by the sea.[4] Every time I'm with my "offline" friends, I'm always shocked that they don't think I'm (that) weird for spending most of my free time obsessing over how to move my mouse efficiently in shooters, I don't think I'll ever be able to really comprehend how lucky I am to be able to surround myself with such a group, especially with the knowledge that this is only the first out of many trips. Needless to say, I've had a great time [5], to be able to sit on a beach, beer in my hand, watching the sunset with friends that I can truly be myself around, is an experience I thought you only see in movies, and certainly not one that I ever expected to have for myself.
When I turned 23, I wanted to get out of the hole I was stuck in during COVID, when I turned 24, I wanted to keep work away from taking over myself, now that I'm 25, what I want is pretty simple: more. New experiences, new avenues for myself outside of work and gaming, and to just... see more of the world. I've always wanted to go for a master's degree in philosophy, and I think this is the year that I finally commit to it! Learning is always important, but you truthfully don't notice how much work numbs your brain - recently I got back into reading by buying a tiny e-reader, such that I have no excuse but to bring it along with me on my commute, and noticing how much sharper my brain feels after having to get through a Baudrillard book is shocking.[6]
These days, I feel a sense of comfort in the day-to-day, not because I am stuck in my routine, but because of knowing that I am content with what I have, even though work recently has been a bit of a pain, I've managed to not let it get to me, because I know that there are much, much more important things worth caring about: my friends, both online and offline, my family, and lastly, myself.
Interestingly, despite getting older, I feel that I have MORE time now that I used to feel when I was 23, before, there's always an urgency to things, even when there's no need to actually hurry - missing a bus felt painful, when in actuality, it doesn't really... matter at all? It's a very odd feeling to have, since it's so contradictory, but it's one that I would like to keep as long as possible, to have the leisure to slowly, but surely, work towards my goals.
Thanks for reading and sticking around, hope this year is as good as the last!
"Finally a beautiful fucking nerve ape. A pure soul is born, its neurotransactions stutter into being. 30583750937509353 operations per nanosecond."
[1]: I applaud my friends for putting up with my rants on discord during this time as well.
[2]: Ironically, it did make it harder to get into engineering at college. (due to me not choosing to study physics)
[3]: I once mentioned this to my mom mostly as a joke, and was surprised to hear she would support this.
[4]: Much better than Seoul if you are interested in visiting Korea.
[5]: Despite getting too drunk one night, and whatever happened on the last day.
[6]: Currently in the process of getting through Anti-Oedipus, which is almost impossible.
Written 01.02.2026