24
By the time that you are reading this, I’ll be 24 years old.
I went into this post thinking that this one would be a lot easier to write compared to last year’s post, because I’ve had fewer things happen this year, but I was wrong. Somehow, this was harder to write - while trying to reflect on my life in the past year, most of which being just work, I found it challenging to gather my thoughts, it’s not that I think I’ve learnt nothing, if anything it is the opposite. But, it felt difficult to write, not just about myself, but in general. I haven’t been writing much in the recent months, because every time I sat down to write, I just felt like I was plagiarizing myself, raging at the same incompetence and unseriousness at work. There’s 2, 3 drafts just sitting in my drive, and they feel either insincere, or uninteresting.
I haven’t changed my mind regarding work and the technology space at large - most people ARE unserious, AI continues to be a net negative on society, and I’ve yet to see anyone at work actually care for the craft that is their literal livelihood, but now I often ask myself, what is the anger actually for? Does it achieve anything? And the answer is a resounding “No”.
On one hand, there’s an undeniable value to the anger, it’s a good reminder that there are still things I care about, whether it is the second-hand embarrassment seeing someone working their 20th year fail to do anything more complex than a 30-line script, or lamenting at the downfall of Apex Legends (Somehow, it has gotten worse.). At least I can FEEL something, which is preferable to being numb.
On the other hand, what’s the point? Every day I clock in at 9:30, knowing that I am wasting away on a system filled with architectural blunders, having to constantly wrangle the code into having even a semblance of structure, all the meanwhile dealing with the almost bugmen working in the government, watching them snivel at any responsibility because God forbid having ANY skin in the game… And there I go again.
My criticisms are valid, sure, but so what? I’m correct, but what does that do?
It just makes me miserable. It’s staring into the void - we all do it at times, but eventually we’ll have to look away, otherwise the void is just going to be the only thing we know. When I first heard these old adages growing up, I never paid them too much attention, because they are, and still are, cliches, but it never occurred to me that they are cliches for a reason, that there is still value in those words.
Work is only a part of my life, a big part, but it doesn’t define who I am. Trying to not let it ruin my mental health is something I struggle with, and I’d like to work on that this year, because I have friends and family that care about me, and who would want to hang around someone so miserable and angry all the time? I sure don’t.
It’s very easy to take things for granted, especially if you’ve had them for a while, so I don’t want to forget how important the people around me are. I’ve had roughly the same group of friends online for almost 7 years now, talking to them every single day, knowing an honestly worrying amount of information about each other. Sometimes I forget how absurd the situation is: A guy living in the suburbs of Hong Kong, through playing a circle game, has somehow managed to have this close of a bond with a bunch of random people all around the globe. If any of you is reading this, truly, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
The same goes for my friends off the internet. I’ve spent quite a few years very isolated offline because of various reasons, and I am so, so very lucky to have managed to stumble into a group that accepts me for who I am, even if I’m a little weird and act like an old man sometimes. Again, if any of you are reading this, 1. You know a little too much now, and 2. Thanks for everything, and I hope I can express my gratitude better this year.
I’m not scared of turning 24, despite what I like to say, I’m still aware that I’m young, but I’m getting to that age where I have to start taking more responsibility as a member of my family - they used to take care of me, now it’s my turn to take care of them. My parents are getting older, and health issues are unavoidable. Just a month ago, I woke up to my mom seemingly having a stroke, trying my best to remain calm, I brought her to the emergency room, after a few checks we find out it was “luckily” just an aneurysm, but she will have to get a surgery to ensure she doesn’t get an actual stroke down the line. She’s doing fine now, but it was a traumatic experience, and a grim reminder that I need to cherish my time with my family, people are more fragile than you expect.
As for work - I don’t know, I can quit now, get into negotiations over my wage (I’m the sole developer on a 50K LOC codebase, I have quite a bit of leverage), or just wait and see if I get promoted in the upcoming months. I have a lot of options, but I have no choice but to see what happens. What I am sure of though, is that I want more time for myself, I still love what I do online - my stream actually has grown a bit, and aimmag is mildly successful now, enough that I’ve gotten sent something for review. I’d love the ability to devote more of my attention to content, because I know I have the passion, and the skills to do so much more.
Reading back on my post last year, I wrote that I wanted growth for myself as a person, and I’m happy to say I’ve got what I wanted! I’ve gotten closer with friends and family, and seen more success both online and offline. So for this year, the most important thing for me is to be mindful of what I have, and not let work take over everything.
I have everything I need to be happy, now I just need to let it happen.
Written 21.01.2025